


We Kept Them All

by indistinct_echo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Epistolary, Established Relationship, M/M, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:48:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27994026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indistinct_echo/pseuds/indistinct_echo
Summary: Remember the promises we made? We kept them all.While packing house, Dan finds and considers an old list.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 97





	We Kept Them All

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yikesola](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yikesola/gifts).



**1\. Text and Skype each other a lot when we aren’t together.**

_Well, this one isn’t so applicable anymore, but I’d still say we held up our end of the promise to our younger selves. But imagine telling them that Skype has gone the way of the dinosaurs… and the danosours. Maybe let’s be glad 2009 is in the irrevocable past._

**2\. Coffee and Ribena and *gasp* alcohol always comes in twos.**

_We didn’t quite word this one as a promise, but that had been our intent. And perhaps I haven’t truly appreciated in recent years just how consistently you keep it. Whether that’s sharing champagne to celebrate our successes or bringing me a cup of your afternoon coffee (along with the requisite kiss on the forehead) while I’m deep in book-space, you never think only of yourself._

_How many evenings have we sat together with mugs steaming from the heat of the same kettle? The answer is both so wonderfully many and not nearly enough._

**3\. No laughing at each other’s video ideas.**

_We were so timid back then, so careful with each other’s feelings. It was admirable, probably, but I can’t honestly say that I miss it. You have brought so much laughter into my life, Philip Lester, with your sharp mind and your quick mouth and, yes, with your zany video ideas, too._

_But, even so, I think we can count this one as a win. How can we hold the wording against our past selves when we simply couldn’t comprehend the freedom we would feel if we let ourselves laugh and be laughed at by a person who we knew truly loved us, regardless?_

_I’ve had my fair share of cringe scripted, filmed, and sometimes even posted on the internet, but you’ve never said a word. That’s what I think this promise means. Even in hardcore editor mode, you don’t go too far. And, yeah, that part did take us a little longer to get right, that delicate balance of professional critique and romantic support, but I think that might just be part of the lot when you can rely on your partner for both. I’m confident we have the better end of the deal._

**4\. Don’t hold it against someone if they don’t like labels. Actions speak louder than words.**

_I think it’s clear who came up with each part of this promise, don’t you?_

_It may just be coincidence that I used the phrase “don’t hold it against me,” but now, in considering this promise, the first memory that comes to mind is of you holding me so tightly on the couch in the lounge two years ago as I cried. Out of frustration, out of fear, and somehow even out of hope._

_It’s taken so long to get to where we are._

_There are many ways that I’ve fought against my mind over the years, and it would have been so easy for you to take my side. And maybe there were even times I actually wanted that, superficially._

_But, no; you were and are always confident that there’s nothing broken about me, that I’m not just a collection of shattered pieces which I’ve only recently managed to put back together._

_Not to say that I wasn’t in pieces — we can both recognize how fragmented I kept aspects of my identity and psyche as part of a subconscious attempt to protect myself — but that you really saw each piece as beautiful and worthy in its own right._

_And, as I started bringing those pieces together in this new safe space we created for ourselves, not only did you accept me and each iteration of myself in my becoming, but you helped and held on tightly every step of the way._

_You don’t do things by halves, Philip Lester. I love you._

**5\. Them before anyone else.**

_The grammar here is a little spotty, but I think that’s at least in part due to the fact that we were afraid to write the word “boyfriend” in your parents’ house at the time, even if this paper was just going to be hidden amongst a bunch of other loose scraps in your bedroom. (We’ve really come a long way.)_

_There is almost nothing more clearly woven into the fabric of us than this. You are my partner in all of the ways I can think of that count (and, if you ever want us to roleplay detectives, we can also check that one off the list) and your opinion is more dear to me than that of any other._

_There is so much in our lives that we’ve had to hide over the years, and we comforted ourselves by calling lies ‘half-truths’ and by filling our inner circle with incredible people. But even that wouldn’t have been enough were either one of us going at it alone._

_We are always in step, always on the same page, and are always checking in with the other. We each know the toll that our particular sort of life has taken on us as individuals, and we’d do anything to prevent our partner from paying that same price._

**6\. Save some things just for us.**

_I’m pretty sure that this one was about saving shows for us to watch together. If so, our near decade of joint anime-watching is certainly a testament to how frequently we keep this promise._

_But there’s so much more to it, isn’t there? Certainly more than we could have known or planned for when we wrote this list. Even things we can now take for granted, like having a roof over our heads — soon to be an even larger one! — were just dreams at that point._

_We couldn’t have fathomed the particular tangle of the publicly private relationship we have now, nor could we have any of the steps preceding; together they look like a twisted Candyland board filled with progress and regression and regrets and passions that somehow managed to bring us to the place we are today._

_Our story is both real and impossible. Keeping some of that tale to ourselves only enhances the magic._

_I love you._

**7\. Forever.**

_This is the easiest promise for me to keep:_

_Marry me, Phil._

**Author's Note:**

> Like/Reblog [here](https://indistinct-echo.tumblr.com/post/637132538895302656/we-kept-them-all) :)


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